i actually find that's an indicator that I'm recovering from depression - I can remember that I was depressed, but not really remember what it was like.

This post resonates with me *hugely*. (I didn't have a section, but I did have a lot of trauma and issues relating to the 3rd degree tear I suffered.) And yes, by the middle of last summer it had all gone in exactly the way you describe (El would have been about 21-22 months then.) Combined with holidaying with a friend's 10-day-old baby and learning of another friend's pregnancy, I did start feeling very broody... (To be fair, we *also* made a considered decision to try to give El a sibling, and to do so sooner rather than later given my age, so I can't just blame Mother Nature/hormones/etc.)

The annoying thing is the way that pretty much as soon as I discovered I was pregnant - ie. too late to change my mind! - all the memories came flooding back in more or less graphic detail. I can only suppose this is the mind/body's way of preparing me for what was and is to come ;-( Especially, the closer the birth has got, the more the fear of having another bad tear has been preying on my mind. In retrospect, if I'd known how much of an issue it was going to be, I should have asked for counselling of some kind to try to come to terms with things earlier. So, this is my serious advice if you do choose later on to have a second child (I'm sorry, I don't know whether you intend not to have more ever, or just not more right now), to consider some kind of debriefing/counselling/whatever re what happened at Charles' birth.

Your description of the way memory became more academic, intellectual memory instead of an emotional, feeling-y, full-senses memory really rings true for me, and I wholeheartedly agree with the sheer freakiness of that. I'm not saying that if I'd had the memories 'intact' I wouldn't have made the choice I did, but it would certainly have given me more pause. I am saying now, after this pregnancy has been even harder than the last, that I definitely don't want to do this ever again, and I *sincerely* hope my LJing and friends will remind me sufficiently to stop me if that flippin' broodiness returns... (Thinking seriously about contraception options will also be a good idea.)

(I'm sorry I only seem able to write enormously long comments these days; the ability to be concise has disappeared somewhere in the brain-mush...)

I originally wanted a large family (Tony and I have three siblings each, and assorted step-siblings and nearly-steps besides); we don't want Charles to be an 'only' but I'm also not keen to get pregnant again. It's only now I've stopped remembering clearly how much I hated pregnancy that I can think about 'when', rather than 'if' we can start trying for another. I need to weigh up things like my fitness, our finances, and our career plans.

I'll be 31 in a week, my mother had her last child at 42, and we conceived Charles in less than 2 months of trying, so at least I feel I have plenty of time, especially if it's just going to be one more. Certainly my second child would have to be considerably easier to produce than my first for me to consider a third.

And you're right, I should probably make use of the 'Birth Afterthoughts' service at the Rosie before even thinking about having my contraception removed.

I heartily recommend the Mirena coil for contraception: very reliable, lasts 5 years, minimal and localised hormonal dosage (progestogen only), and you can't forget to take it. For almost all women it either stops or seriously reduces periods - I bleed incredibly lightly if at all.

Oh, goodness yes, loads of time! I on the other hand am going to be 38 next month, and it took two years to conceive El (we had got to the extent of seeing the fertility specialists and had been advised to try IVF, though thankfully didn't have to go that route in the end) so obviously a very different situation. And for various depressing reasons largely connected to ME I don't have anything resembling a career, which at least means that was one less consideration to have to juggle. I do think the age-gap between them will be nice, but equally I know people with smaller or greater age-gaps who can point to lots of benefits for that too, so I don't believe there's any such thing as the 'right' or 'perfect' gap.

Thanks very much for the recommendation for contraception, that does sound like a very good option. Obviously I am putting off that whole issue for later, as my brain is currently completely occupied with everything else, but I do intend to look at all the choices later on, and getting stories of people's own experience is very useful for weighing things up.

I, on the other hand, never forgot how much I hated pregnancy, but decided it was worth it. This time has been better so far - I'm at the stage where it's starting to get better, and I have been able to walk short distances when necessary (eg to school) all the way through. Last time, the bathroom was too far.

OTOH, if I can be ready for another pregnancy by the time baby is 20 months, *and* that could coincide with actually being able to conceive, I think that would work quite well. However, I'm envisaging number three being at least as difficult as this one.

I can relate to that. Yesterday evening I needed to shift some grobags (the type you put tomatoes in, not small children) round the garden, and thought I'd need help because they were too heavy for me to drag. My other half assured me they were really not that heavy, and lo and behold, in fact they weren't at all. I spent a perplexed half hour planting out cucumbers wondering why I hadn't been able to shift them this time last year, eventually recounted this to OH who raised an eyebrow and said something to the effect of "You were, like, pregnant, remember?"

I have a huge blind spot in my life history about the whole of last year.